Looks
by chelseyb
Summary: Tonks is depressed, & Harry offers comfort. It starts with a look, & for once Tonks doesn't do what's right. Oneshot. Rating for language & sexual situations.


**Disclaimer:** The world of Harry Potter does not belong to me. It belongs to JK Rowling, & I am not her.

**Author's Note:** Pairings are Tonks/Harry with brief mention of Harry/Ginny and Tonks/Lupin. Mostly canon-compliant in the end except I fudged the date of Teddy's birth a bit. Rating for language & sex.

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><p><strong>Looks<strong>

It's the way he _looks_ at her.

It's a joke, originally. He has a crush on her from the moment they meet in his kitchen; that much is obvious to the entire Order. Sirius teases her about it, and she laughs it off. It's cute, really. She remembers being fifteen and crushing on the lead singer of the Weird Sisters even though he was way out of her league; it's the same situation now except she's the older one. He wears that _look_ every time she enters the room, and she likes to wink at him with a grin just to see an adorable blush cross his face.

Sometimes on the nights she spends at Grimmauld Place, she sits in one of those horribly uncomfortable chairs in the drawing room and wishes they would all _look_ at the right people. Ginny _looks_ at Harry, but Harry _looks_ at her, Tonks, while she _looks_ at Remus. And Remus ... well, Remus just looks away.

Remus finally _looks_ at her a few times that spring, enough for her to steal a kiss or two. He always protests afterwards, the same "poor, old, dangerous" bullshit, but she thinks she's making progress. And then Sirius dies and it all goes to hell. The battle is terrifying. Two years of being an Auror under her belt, but this is the first time she's in an actual battle with actual Death Eaters and actual Killing Curses flying every which way.

She's so damned confused afterwards. Sirius is dead and she finally meets her mother's oldest sister and she wonders if they have the same blood running through their veins and Remus pushes her away once and for all, and it's just too much for her to handle. Then Harry walks into the Burrow that night and he still _looks_ at her. Remus's rejection and unwanted looks from Harry and the change in his face, the grown-up pain, get to her and she leaves quite abruptly.

She still likes to have late-night tea with Molly after they all go to sleep. It's one of those nights when his _looks_ actually become much more. Molly, yawning widely, leaves for bed, and Tonks has her hand on the doorknob of the kitchen door and is a second away from pulling it open when she hears a voice, startling her out of her wits.

"Tonks?"

She whirls around, hand on her wand automatically. "Harry! Nearly gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry," he says, confusion mingling with one of those _looks_. "What are you doing here?"

"I was talking to Molly," she says shortly, not wanting to get into a discussion of why. "I'm just leaving."

"Oh," he says, standing there in his pajamas. She's about to bid him goodbye when he speaks again. "Tonks, why are you so sad?"

She knows the surprise is evident on her face, just as the innocence and earnestness is on his. And suddenly she's talking, about Remus and Sirius and Remus and Bellatrix and Remus. He just _looks_ at her without a word, and then she stops for a breath and he's kissing her. It takes a second for her mind to wind down and then catch up with her again, but when it does she pulls away.

"What are you doing, Harry?"

"I just want to make you feel better," he says.

"Thanks, but I don't think it's approp-"

"I love you," he blurts out, interrupting her. "I have since I met you."

She smiles at him; he's far too sweet and will make someone, perhaps Ginny, lucky someday. "You don't love me. You have a crush on me."

"I want this, you know," he says. He's still standing close to her and _looking_ at her. "Sirius and Bellatrix and the prophecy ... I have things I need to forget, too."

His _look_ is not just puppy love anymore; it's understanding and need and pain. She knows she can't; it's not right. Ginny, who's as close to a little sister as she has, likes him (but she has no claim). He's like a son to Molly (but that didn't stop her with Charlie or Bill). He's seven years younger (but Remus is thirteen years older). She hasn't even dated since she joined the Order (but they called her Nym_pho_dora at Hogwarts). As she digests his words, all the arguments die at her lips, and for once, she isn't going to do what's right. She grabs his hand and pulls him out the door quietly, slipping into Arthur's workshop. There's enough clear space for her to conjure a camp bed, but once she does, she doesn't know what to do.

Harry stands behind her, _looking_ at her and waiting for her to make the next move. Again she's assailed with doubt. Harry shouldn't lose his virginity in a dusty workshop in a one-night stand with someone who's in love with a werewolf; he should be in a special place with a special person with whom he can have a future.

"Please," Harry breaks the silence. "Just tonight."

She turns around and he kisses her again and this time she kisses back. Their mouths open, and her hands wind around his neck and into his messy hair while his run over her back. Clothes are pulled off in haste and she remembers to cast a contraceptive spell before discarding her wand along with her knickers. They fall backward onto the bed, and Harry hesitantly discovers her breasts. She arches her back with a moan, and he takes it further. After a few fumbling tries, she reaches down and guides him with her hand, making him gasp. Harry _looks_ at her as he thrusts into her, and she stops thinking about anything but one certain part of her body.

They finish with an explosion of color and inarticulate sound, and afterward they dress in silence. She vanishes the camp bed and walks him back to the door. Harry still _looks_ at her, and there's more depth to it now, and she isn't sure if she feels relief or guilt or sorrow.

"You know this can't happen again," she tells him. "We won't ever talk about it."

"I know," he says steadily. "I just wanted you to feel something other than sadness."

"Thank you, Harry. You made me forget," she says honestly, and they part.

**oOo**

It surprises her how they can act like it never happened. Oh, Harry still _looks_ at her as she walks him to Hogwarts (she never expected to find him on the train like that), and she wonders if she just made his crush worse. But true to his word, Harry never mentions it, not walking to Hogwarts or in Hogsmeade.

It's when she sees him kick a wall inside the castle that she allows herself release again. It's been the year from hell, and she's angry. She's angry because it's been months and she still can't get over Remus Lupin, and she's angry because he won't come around, and she's angry because the paper talks about Fenrir Greyback, and she's angry because Dumbledore isn't around anywhere. Where the fuck does he go anyway?

"Come on, Harry," she says wearily. "I'll walk you back to your dorm."

He follows her without protest. Like it was yesterday, she remembers the way to Gryffindor Tower and they make their way through the castle in silence. About halfway there they pass an unused classroom and Harry darts into it, grabbing her sleeve and pulling her with him.

"What-" she starts but Harry cuts her off by pressing his mouth to hers. He's hungry and fierce this time, and she can sense his urgency.

"Don't," she says firmly, pulling away. "I told you it was a one-off."

"But Tonks, you're still sad," he argues. "And I need to pretend someone loves me, too, just for a little while."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's Ginny," he admits, and a different look crosses his face. "But she's Ron's sister, and she's dating one of my friends."

She tells herself she can't do this as she seals the door. She tells herself she's taking advantage of him as she silences the room. She tells herself that the misery will return again as she leads him to the empty teacher's desk. And then she doesn't tell herself anything except _cast the contraceptive spell and get your damn clothes off, Tonks_.

"I wish I could, but I can't be Ginny for you," she murmurs as Harry explores her neck. Her powers, her constant companion through life, have abandoned her, and she's angry again.

"I don't want you to be anyone but Tonks," he says, pulling away and _looking_ into her eyes, and it's still her he wants.

This time she's the one on top, pushing him onto his back on the desk. They both cry out when they come together, and Harry watches her breasts sway with rapt attention. His hips rise up every time she lowers herself, and she's able to shut off her mind and focus on that one motion. Harry _looks_ at her right as she goes over the edge, following a moment later.

Afterward the anger returns in full force because on top of everything else, she's sleeping with a sixteen-year-old boy that she doesn't love. His body is a poor replacement for the love of the one she wants, but it's all she can have. She's angry because she's using him, and he's too good for her.

"You don't have to tell me," he says when they arrive at the portrait guarding Gryffindor Tower. "It never happened, and we won't talk about."

"And it won't happen again," she tells herself as much as him.

"Right," Harry agrees. She walks away then, feeling the need for a shower and a drink and a smoke, when he calls her name. She turns and he _looks_ at her.

"Thank you, Tonks."

**oOo**

The third time isn't surprising. Dumbledore is dead; wise, powerful, their ever-present leader Dumbledore is dead. Bill's handsome face, the face that just once hovered above hers in the throes of passion, is scarred forever. Remus rejects her once more in front of everyone. And Snape, whom everyone hated but Dumbledore trusted and Dumbledore is (was) never wrong, is You-Know-Who's, has been this whole time. She reels. They all reel.

Harry follows McGonagall out of the room and right before he exits, he _looks_ at her. She knows what it means, and she doesn't have the energy to object. She lingers near the Headmaster's Office quietly, pulling back into the shadows when the other teachers arrive. Harry spots her instantly when he steps past the gargoyle. For once, she has no arguments against this, in her head or to Harry. He grabs her hand and pulls her up to the seventh floor. She watches in confusion as he paces past a stretch of bare wall three times. She's even more confused when a door appears and opens to reveal a room with a cushy bed, but she forgets all about it as they attack each other.

Their mutual need for comfort is palpable. Somehow clothes are torn off without ever removing their lips from each other. The sex is rough and frantic, each fighting for dominance and jockeying for control over positions. This time, she returns the _looks_ Harry gives her as he fucks her so hard she cries out with pleasure every time he thrusts deep inside her. She knows he's leaving marks on her shoulders, and she knows that her nails are digging painfully into his back, but she doesn't care. The world doesn't seem to care how they feel, so why should she? It's his name she cries in the end, just as he shouts hers, for it's Harry that makes her feel this way, not anyone else as she had pretended the first two times.

The same sense of finality and change that hung throughout the evening pervades as they find their clothing. They sit on the edge of the bed before they part, not quite close enough to touch.

"I'm breaking up with Ginny," Harry says suddenly. "There's something I have to do, and if Voldemort finds out we're together while I'm gone ... I can't take that chance."

She doesn't know what to say, for she just remembered he's with Ginny. She knows she should feel awful, but she doesn't feel a whole lot other than tired at the moment. In a moment of clarity, she realizes that's what it's been all about – not feeling. It's not love, and it's not lust. It's comfort, a fifteen-minute break from reality, and it's what got her through the year.

"Good luck, Harry, and stay safe," she says, rising from the bed.

On impulse she hugs him right before they reach the door. As they pull away, he _looks_ at her.

"This was the last time. We're not going to talk about it," he says. "But it did happen, didn't it?"

"Yes, it did."

**oOo**

All she can do is _look_ at her son. Her tiny, perfect son. His hair already changes colors, and she's not sure if she or Remus is more thrilled. She loves to watch Remus _look_ at his son, and then he _looks_ at her, and she's never been happier. Despite the increasing darkness of the last year, despite Mad-Eye, despite her father, despite her frustration at being on the sidelines, she is truly happy.

It isn't until a few days after his birth as she watches Teddy in his cot that she comes to an awful realization, a possibility she had never entertained before. His hair was black when he was born. It changes, of course, changes rapidly with his moods. But with a sinking feeling she starts to wonder. They had been careful that last time, of course, but so had she and Remus a few days later. If you didn't have the proper concentration, the spell could be ineffective. That's what she and Remus had assumed. She had never told Remus about Harry, so of course he isn't suspicious. But black hair is rampant in her mother's family, too.

She agrees with Remus instantly when he suggests Harry for the godfather. On her part, it's as much in appreciation for sending Remus back to her when he left as for what Harry had done for her on three occasions. Harry had seemed truly happy for her when she told him they got married, and he had seemed equally hung up on Ginny, both of which please her for it means there's no lasting attachment from their fling. He still _looked_ at her at the funeral and his house and the Burrow and the wedding, but she assumes there will always be a part of him that holds on to his crush, his first lover. After all, she still fancies the lead singer of the Weird Sisters. Remus is Teddy's father, she tells herself firmly, and she can't help but be grateful that Harry is his godfather. But every time she _looks_ at her son, she wonders.

It's something about the way he _looks_.


End file.
